another wasted day spent in bed. considering that i currently find lifting my coffee mug a savage exertion on par with lifting an elephant one-handed, perhaps it was the best place to be. or it would have been, if the mattress wasn’t so hideous that lying flat on one’s belly hurts. but what can you do. what can you do, you might as well not worry about it.
except…things don’t work that way. nothing changes if nothing changes. i don’t understand why we have to exist in a pit of despair, then pretend to be happy with it. it’s utter poison and it’s destroying my soul. maybe not everything can be perfect, but can’t some things be mended, all the same? and i don’t mean mending in the sense of “ignore what’s wrong and keep smiling because stressing about these things is exhausting”, because that isn’t mending, it’s outright bloody ignorance–!!
living in despair and pain is stressful and exhausting on its own. ignoring it doesn’t make it stop.
i can’t keep living like this…it isn’t living…it’s barely existing. and it’s existing in such a painful and sorrowful state that the opposite seems a sane option.
i am very, very tired, and very, very, very sad.