chronic pain

Pain, pain, go away…please!

take me to Imladris.

I’m tired of trauma. I’m tired of it existing and I’m tired of having to deal with it. I wish it would just fall through me like rain and dry off and not mean anything. I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of PTSD spirals and I’m tired of adrenaline nausea and I’m tired of second-guessing the actions I take to keep myself as safe and sane as I’ll ever get — I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of fake-ass people on the internet and people who can’t be bothered reading a simple list of rules and people with the general attention span of a TikTok video. I’m just.

Why am I here? Why is everything like this? I try so fucking hard to change it and I just end up with scraped knuckles and wounds and I can’t anymore. I don’t want to. If it doesn’t get any better than this, then I don’t want to keep going with it. I’m fucking tired.

ow

I don’t know what my body is doing in regards to nerves right now, but it feels eerily like someone shoved me through a meat grinder with the intent to make burger patties, changed their mind at the last minute, and then sheepishly attempted to mulch me back into a semi-human shape.

In another life, I was probably a bestselling bizarro splatterpunk writer.

I’ve been sleeping all day and I feel like I’m going to pass out again. Life is fantastic and sparkly.

I never tried to reach

I sent a letter to my ex, apologising.

(Not the rapist, and definitely not the Pink Bitch. Not ever. I’m a pushover, but never that much of one. I’m more likely to join the Family First Party than I am to ever contact either of those two nuclear waste pits.)

I don’t know if they’ll get it, because I don’t think they check the address I sent it to anymore — and I don’t know what their current one could possibly be. I don’t know where they are, or what they’re doing, or anything. But I couldn’t just…not. I had to at least spit the words out into the Wired somewhere.

I don’t still have feelings for them, I don’t want to be with them, I wouldn’t say no to talking to them once again if they wanted, but if they didn’t, my world wouldn’t fall apart, and I would understand wholly. I just wanted to let them know that I feel bad about…well, as Phildel puts it, for the times I behaved like a switchblade / for the blame when I should have just forgave.

There is someone else I love. It’s not about chasing them. It’s about making amends, even weakly or uselessly. With my health being what it is, I just want something to be…right. Or as right as possible.

I don’t know. My head’s full of cotton wool at the moment, and I can’t think straight, but.

Everything is, everything was, everything is all, everything will be.

“…take my hand, we’ll be able to fly…”

Pain is a bitch. Pain makes you hate everyone and everything, and I hate that, too. Full circle. Fuck pain, especially neuro-pain. Real entry about nothing at all when I don’t feel like crying. Woke up with this flawless piece in my head, so that’s Song of the Day, just in case I don’t write any further today.

The only thing that I don’t hate is music. And friends. Yup.

we set the stars to dancing in the night sky

I’m going to post this entry and then I’m not going to look at a single other line of code until at least 11am tomorrow morning — I’ve been HTMLing away all day! 😀 I’ve been working on my Secret Santa’s gift, and on these two! I’m especially happy about those two, because I adopted them from someone I was sure didn’t like me (or found me petty at the very least), and I was sure they’d tell me what I could do with myself. But I was worried about nothing! There’s no bad blood between us, they’re a lovely person from what I’ve seen, and I’m actually kind of embarrassed as how anxious I was sending off the initial emails, now ^^;; Haha, paranoid Rin is eternally paranoid, but all’s well that end’s well! I’ll take very good care of the listings for as long as I have them ♥

A load of witchy goodness, mostly journal-related, came in the mail today~ Including candles! Gasp. There’s a first for me. I’ve never been much into candle magick (despite being a witch since I was 17…), maybe a stray spell here or there, but the candle has never been one of my preferred magickal tools. I have forty coloured candles in my goodies chest, now, mostly for Colourwork reasons (I’ll elaborate more on that either later, or on a purposefully witchy blog I’ll set up at some point). We’ll see how it all goes, but I’m hopeful it’ll be fulfilling.

It’s been a difficult day painwise (physio visit was NOT an immediate help with that, let me tell you, but I suppose stuff has to get more painful before it can get better), and it was disgustingly hot without warning (thanks for nothing, BOM!), but I’m happy all the same. It’s been a productive day and I hope the rest of the evening will be relaxing. Back to it after eleven tomorrow, like I said! But until then, I think I’ll just laze about in front of the telly and crochet. ♥