health

“That was definitely a thing that happened.”

So much has happened. So much. I thought things would untangle over September; they really didn’t. They tangled further. So dot points, because I can hardly think in a straight line.

Let’s start with the medical shite.

  • the cancer scare has been downgraded to “if the next exams come up clear, you’re all good!”, which I am endlessly, crazily, gloriously grateful for. Not just for my own sake, but for everyone who was worried about me. (Apparently my Dad took it very hard; I feel horribly guilty about that, which is stupid and I know it, but…there it is. :/)
  • we have an answer to all the symptoms: ME/CFS. (Sod the CFS, actually, I’m just using “ME” because that’s what it was originally called, and is far more accurate a term.) I have myalgic encephalomyelitis. I’ve probably had it since I had COVID the first time.
  • this means that all my future plans — turning my life around and becoming a doula+midwife, which I was so serious about I cut eight inches off my hair to mark, y’know, a decision made seriously and happily and with hope — are now in the bin. I don’t have a big enough ‘energy envelope’ to go back to university studies. Any of them.
  • I’m going over everything I do on the daily to try and get better at knowing where my limits are, what triggers things, what helps, what hinders, etc etc etc. It’s important, and knowledge is power, bluh bluh bluh, but it’s just…so frustrating and trying to condition myself into basically stalking myself is unfun. Yeah. Unfun. And saddening.

Emotional shite.

  • It’s really fucking difficult to cope with people you admire and dare I say, love, associating with people who purposefully went out of their way to hurt you, for god alone knows what reason. (Clout, I guess.)  But I’m not like She Who Must Not Be Named; I don’t dictate who my friends can and can’t be friends with. It just…hurts. To see layouts by someone and links to someone who didn’t even have enough honour in them to come directly to me with their problem, but instead spread it all over a certain forum. Lying.
  • Sometimes I just wish I’d never started making fanlistings whatsoever. I’ve quit absolutely now, and quite frankly find a lot of the staff members outright dismissive of problems I brought to them, in good faith. I am done with the vileness that is T(A)FL; but I just wish I’d never started, back in ’16. The community is a pit of vipers.
  • I just realised; fanlistings in general are probably one of the things that exacerbate my ME symptoms (because yes, emotional and mental turbulence also sucks up your energy).

And we’ll end with the far more palatable Things That DON’T Suck!

  • Our local pale-headed rosella couple have decided to start nesting…in my brushtail possum’s box. Poor Eustace has been essentially evicted from his former home and Helyanwion and Vilyaranel have moved in. Eustace essentially shrugged his shoulders, and just moved “over the road” to the first possum box. Bothered? Nah mate, that takes too much energy. XD
  • It’s absolutely delightful to watch the rosella couple go in and out of their new nest, peeking outside when a sound worries them a bit too much or just out of curiosity. I think Vinyaranel has already laid eggs, or is going to very very soon. ♥
  • Recipes for my family that have the tick of approval: Mum’s Teacupcakes, and mulberry muffins. Also, Dad declared that my peanut butter fudge is better than his favourite lollies. I just about passed out. Gonna have to do a pantry restock very soon…and pick more mulberries!
  • I’ve almost perfected my microwave cinder toffee. Almost. And semi-successfully made a cake-in-a-mug into really tiny cupcakes! No idea where I found those tiny little muffin papers, but hey!
  • Started beta-testing a cute game called EverGrove Idle: Grow Magic. It’s just your regular sort of idle game, I think, but…I’m kind of in love with a couple of the characters already? The visual-novel romance part of the narrative unrolls as your reach certain levels, and I’m just like…(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄  when can I ask Seren to marry me she is my silver sparkling star she is EVERYTHING?! And can I kiss the Warden if only to see him smile? fdjskalfdja;j
  • Playing all the Tsuki games now, but still loving Odyssey the best. I’ve unlocked the area between Momo’s teahouse and Bobo’s ramen cart, FINALLY! First thing I did was put up a row of very bushy trees between the two, plopped a waterfall beside Bobo’s cart (ambience, y’know?), and as a sign of trying to keep the peace…we have a Peace Lemon tree. It belongs to both of them — because lemon is a common tea accompaniment, and Frith alone knows what Bobo puts in his weirder creations, so. They both share the fruit of the tree and try to get along, as far apart as possible and with a line of greenery between them. XD Sigh. I wish I could create a bedroom for Pipi, or put more elegant things in Scarlett’s loft…(I need to do a whole stupid post about Tsuki nonsense, don’t I? XD)
  • pondering starting up a new Stardew Valley game, seeing as there’s going to be a lot of sitting around and stuffing energy into an envelope desperately in my future.

Murasaki Shikibu was wa-la-wa~, change my mind. Not sure where to put that, so it’s here, and also, you’ll never change my mind. ♥

down bad like I lost myself

Awakened at 2pm last night with killer stomach cramps and the glorious fun actions those entail, so the very important appointment I had for…let’s just call it “universe with shrimp complications”, yeah…had to be cancelled. So…now, more waiting. It’s the bloody waiting that makes everything a thousand times worse, but…what can you do? I can’t afford private health care. End of story.

I still feel like absolute and utter shite, and can’t eat anything without paying for it, and to sweeten the deal, my nerves decided to throw another attack at me. charming. the only option was a bloody benzo, so…expect me feeling low for the next couple of days, very possibly. I couldn’t take the twistpain; I’d rather be sobbing about how my ex-girlfriends and abusers treated me than enduring trying to literally break my own joints in an attempt to not feel so…horrific.

One of the worst things about nerve pain is that it’s close to sodding impossible to describe — it doesn’t feel like anything else other than itself, and if someone hasn’t experienced it…you’re SOL trying to get them to understand. Even the RLS can be tricky to explain…it’s not that my leg (or in my case, ANY body part) is moving without me wanting to, it’s just that if I don’t move it, the weird pressure-pain will build and build until the RLS makes me move it. Even that doesn’t make much sense…

I’ve been having very detailed, very bizarre dreams lately. They’re not wholly nightmarish, really, just weird, but it’s still odd to me. I went through this long, long period of only seldom dreaming — and now, even naps cough up some very weird subconscious cinema. Not sure what that’s all about, but as long as it’s not the recurring “losing my old home” dream, in any form whatsoever. I’m so sick of crying; I’d like to at least start a morning tear-free.

horrible days.

things broken. crying, a lot of crying. pain pain pain physical pain pain. angry at people who play at being mad but really, are fine — they’re housed, pain-free, lucid, have lots of friends, a supportive family, a steady income, they can go out of an evening or even simply walk to the local store, and the ability to look stone cold sane when they need to.

because they are.

I wish I had that luxury, of flipping my madness off like a light-switch, but it appears God cursed me;
     I’m downstream braiding flowers into Ophelia’s hair, whispering my goodnights to the sweet ladies.
          I don’t even have Lady Elaine’s blessing of a lovely face; nobody will ever lend me grace.

dreaming of a desk, and a shelf, and a room of my own.
I’m sure the anti-depressants will start working any minute now.

any minute now.