this sucks

“Well…this is unfortunate.”

all your answers as to ‘why’

Nothing like hearing a parent refer to your family as “[their] boys” when…you’re not a boy…nor have you never identified as a boy…and have been quite obviously ostracised by your brothers…

I mean, I’ve kinda known this since I was about sixteen, I don’t belong anywhere with anyone and I never have, black sheep etc etc, and the sooner I just get over that, the sooner this sort of thing just won’t mean anything or have any power to hurt anymore. It’s really all on me, when I think about it.

I promise I’ll start working on it tomorrow. Not today. I’m tired today. I’m tired every day, all the time.

“You’ve got nobody else but yourself, sister.”

tired & tired & tireder, still

I am still so tired. Sore throat, body aches; sitting upright is literally painful. I’m wondering if maybe this is a glandular fever stress-related flare up, seeing as the last time I remember being this tired was when I had it. Who knows. (Whatever it is, it isn’t COVID, though. No fever, no respiratory problems.)

…is this adulthood? Endless moaning about your health, or lack thereof?

Mum not due out of the hospital until Friday, as of the moments. Blood clots in your lungs will necessitate that.

…this lethargy is beyond ridiculous. I’m going back to bed. Maybe when I wake up I’ll remember what I was going to write about. It ain’t happening now.

endlessly

It just never stops. It never, ever stops.

Mum’s being driven to emergency (private, at her oncologist’s insistence, which is going to cost a minor fortune but you die on the public system) because she’s having trouble breathing.

I feel like an hourglass with a crack, and all the sand has run out.